thoughtshowerings

Of insecurities and jealousy all embroiled in one ugly mess sometimes, i really feel strongly indignant at what others have: fast cars, good looks, great body, good brains, blindingly luminous future/career outlooks, relationships, never-seem-to-end cash at hand. But then i go to sleep, and they dont bother me again.  until i feel insecure again. i guess insecurities and feelings of indignant-ness/envy never really go away.  Save me the nonsense of "be happy with what you have" or "be practical, stop having lofty thoughts". That cannot really be possible can it? I'm highly irrational. So many insatiable wants and insecurities manifesting itself in different mutated forms plaguing my mind.  Then again I guess the trick here is to not constantly harp upon these comparisons all the time. Still, I feel that it is good to flesh out these thoughts that are sometimes making me feel very 心里不平衡。At least I am actively identifying and recognising at what makes me ...

Sometimes, it really befuddles me. How someone carries two vastly different personality at one time. I'm really uncertain which  alter ego is going to come out, 'cos I got to have different rules for dealing with a different one. Use the wrong one, and I might potentially make myself very unhappy. I have a different set of expectations for different personalities you have. Sometimes I really wonder if you take all your surroundings for granted. Words are though intangible and ephemeral and only lasts as long as it sounds, make such deep impacts. I wished I could learn how to ignore them, or "unhear" those words. But being quite a sensitive person to words, I dont think I can do that. I think most people are. I see words as having a physical form, performing their exact social action as it was uttered and meant. So, please, choose your words wisely... If not, you might find that people may just start to slowly shy away from your side

Listen. Sometimes I think we get so caught up in trying to say what we have on our minds that we neglect to listen to what others think and want to say, don't we? We all think that what we want to say is very important, isn't it? We think that our views are the pivot point of the conversation, we think that our utterances makes most sense, our speech the one carries most weight. So I guess it usually ends up with no one really listening to each other, self absorbed, as thoughts races pass our other fragments of memories in our heads. We don't really calculate when the best timing for our thoughts to materialize into actual verbal forms. So how do we really catch anything that truly makes a difference? I guess that's why we frequently talk and forget hence after the contents. So sometimes I think I need to learn how to listen more, in earnest, not just for listening's sake. Learn to empathize with the speaker more and I think I just be able to forge somet...

When friendships drift apart........ When it happens, you won’t want to believe it. You’ll take their word for it when they say they’re busy, swamped at work, “just doing me.” You’ll make excuses for them, put your ringer on extra loud in case they call. But you’ll still feel the change, and because you can’t rationalize it, you’ll try to ignore it. It’s a specific kind of loneliness that hits you like a wave of nausea. When the two of you are having a beer and you realize that you have both been staring out the same window for twenty minutes, nothing to say, the opposite of a comfortable silence. When they cancel plans consistently and stall when giving you reasons. When you scroll through your contacts and stop at their name and almost call but don’t, feeling suddenly, inexplicably, abandoned and confused. Sometimes there’s no huge fight that marks the end of a friendship. No falling out, no major disagreement. Sometimes it just falls apart for no good reason. Distance....

Happy V Day! Happy Valentines' Day guys! Best day for an excuse to binge on candies, chocolates, cupcakes (brought for yourself or not) all day long without feeling guilty. Surprisingly, I did not feel the overwhelming urge to hole up and avoid lovey dovey couples, or end up in envious stares at couples walking arms to waist down the doorways. I was just myself, cheerful and collected, albeit mildly irritated at the massive jams along the walkways due to sale of V day goodies, ( my oh my, tempting) going to my lessons. I think I just became asexual. Hahaha. I think this year I shifted my focus away from such things. Love stories, tales of unrequited love, love misplaced or betrayed or even love that wasnt given a chance to grow, be gone! Maybe because it's a case if never had before? And hence I draw such conclusions? Might just be that. But for now, I think I am pretty content with how my life is coming along thus far. There might have already been some silly mi...

I cant be the only one who: 1) Loves diving straight into the middle of a huge pile of freshly done laundry and inhaling all that goodness for at least a minute. 2) Loves stepping on dried leaves just to hear the crunch. 3) Eat Nutella with everything but hates it on bread. 4) Puts bananas in the fridge to eat it super cold 5) Put grapes in the freezer. Oh gosh, they taste like sorbets on hot afternoons 6) Has beer cravings on hot afternoons, but never tried it before. Its has to happen soon! 7) Wants to buy sunglasses so that I can out rightly people-watch without them knowing 8) Wants to buy a Marvel Superheroes bed sheet but cant find it anywhere else

Happy Birthday to myself! ^^ Darn, 22 already. Feels like my life is currently fast forwarding, I keep thinking about my future. 22 isnt very far off to 30 you know...and yet, I dont have much direction. Had an in depth conversation with one of the most matured girls I know recently. She's really good for her age I think, putting girls older than her to shame on her level of maturity. Or maybe because she's as weird as me? Or just that we think along the same lines. Feels quite good to have serious talks that I know will lead me to nowhere. It just feels really good to talk about heavy stuffs light heartedly, toying about my thoughts occasionally. Knowing that I'll probably do nothing about my predicament, but still, like I said, its nice to just ramble them out once in a while. If only birthday wishes came true! Why do people make wishes on birthdays anyway? Is it some sort of tradition? Since when did it start anyway? This year was surprising for me, I didnt r...