Something must be wrong with me.
I keep thinking about the same thing over and over again.
Its like an obsessive compulsive disorder, I think about it involuntarily.
It seeps into my mind, slowly, silently, undetected like poison. Like ink squirted carefully into a tank of pristine waters, it congregates for a split second, before unfolding itself like wisps of smoke in air, spreading, diffusing. Clouding the entire tank in a fascinating manner.
You would think that eventually I will succumb to its deathly grip and act out in accordance to the thing that has been swirling incessantly and involuntarily around my head, right?
(And no, it is not some or any nor even close to any lewd acts.)
Wrong. As much as a huge part of me wants to abandon everything at hand immediately and rush out, literally running to do it, a small minute but strong part holds on, refusing to let me.
Shit. The above sentence sounds completely incomprehensible except when I read it myself. Its peppered with weird sentence structure errors and confusing choice of words. Its a really difficult task to describe that feeling.
It feels like you have already decided to go all out, like the scenes in old Hong Kong God of Gambler movies where the guys playing one on one says "show hand" and pushes the towering stack of chips towards the centre of the green velvet table.
But then, at the very last moment, he suddenly leaps up and grabs all that chips and hordes it tightly in his arms.
Or like you plan to do a jump, but when you take off, you suddenly realise you were not ready for it and your body sends out a stop jumping signal when you have already leapt off but have not followed through the whole motion. The end result is an awkward jump with an unsteady landing and feels like you were a hair's breadth from injuring your knees.
Fear, I guess, is stopping me. Fear of so many things. Complete list of A-Z. I want to list them down and strike each one out so that when I reach the Z headers, I know I am more or less ready.
I want to talk to someone about it, but I do not know who. Perhaps Paul the Octopus? Since he has the uncanny ability of prediction. Its a bit strange for my gender to talk about these stuffs to other people, no? At least that is what I feel.
Sigh, this feels so unlike me. I am always the get-up-and-get-going kind of person.
Not some whilly-whiney-pouty-draggy person.
I think I might be relocating soon? To where in the vast boundless cyber world, I cant say for sure...