Ever since the day I knew that I was posted to my vocation together with the appointment, I have always thought about it.
I have to get this off my chest.
I am not a Commander in the army, I was posted to become an ordinary soldier, not going to command school (CS for easy typing) , no third passing out parades etc.
Yes, I admit I was jealous, madly jealous. Like seeing the kid next door get something that I have always wanted even before I entered the army. Jealously is something very difficult to describe, something not "bad" intrinsically, but happens to everyone.
I could not even fathom why I did not make it to CS, why others should be given the chance, why not me? Why others less deserving (my thinking that time) was given the opportunity, why were they given a bite of the apple?
I worked hard during BMT, had I not? Always putting in effort during trainings, shown that I could be a team player, or when the situation calls for, an effective leader. Why others, whom somehow seemed not to put in as much effort as me got chosen?
Had I not clearly expressed my interest, my hunger to go into CS during all those interviews, deliberately expressing my interest to go into CS as my preferred choice after BMT?
I was bitter, filled with resentment. But I knew that the decision was final, and that there was nothing I could do about it anyway. The sand has settled, the pie's cooked, the water's spilt, the chicken's dead, the bait's lost or whatever allusions there is out there.
I began to dream, of all the possibilities of what might happen if I were to go into CS. Seeing friends make it to OCS, you cannot imagine the powerful yearning I possessed just to be in their place. So much pride, so much honour for everyone around me. I think pride affects me the most. Although I may not look like I care much, but to me, pride means a lot. Then again, dont all males want to earn as much pride as possible?
Regrets, resentment and rage well up always. Imagine the outcome between me and my partner assuming I made it to OCS, made it to Commissioning Ball, managed to ask her out to be my partner. Well, I would never know it now, would I? Instead I used to think about the possibilities every time I see her.
Friends around me go into CS, one by one, posted into illustrious appointment, my vocation look like a joke beside them.
At this point I would like to digress slightly.
You cannot deny that the goal of majority of the males is to have much wealth, holding a position over others, be it leadership wise or mentally. We like power, this I do not deny. Neither can I explain why we are drawn towards absolute power, maybe it sends shivers of pleasures down our spine? We like it even more when power, wealth and beautiful women mix together. We like our female counterparts to perceive that we are very capable etc.
And so I submit to my posting and began to continue my NS life as a normal soldier.
But things were not as bad as I had imagined.
I met so many many many wonderful people in camp, its like being back at school, an all boys school, loads, and I mean loads of mischievous acts, which I must say I had more than my fair share. It was fun, as much as you can take it.
It opened my horizon a lot. Met so many kind of people, so many personalities and characters.
And I have an inkling that we'll still be in touch many many years down the road.
And being an ordinary soldier aint that bad. Not happy just say, no need or hide or use a subtler tone. Not happy, dont do. Tired? Sleep! Just do what I am instructed, and make the most fun out of it! Camp fire cooking during outfield, piping hot sausages during outfield, crowding around the solid fuel camp fire talking in the middle of a mission.
I was actually coming to terms with my vocation and appointment. I was glad that I was given this appointment, I could not have asked for a better appointment, if not, I wouldnt have met all these wonderful, some weird and eccentric, but nonetheless bossom buddies.
Being the middle management is sad. I sometimes treat them extra nice because they have to face the wrath of upper management and suffer the shit from people like us.
Being upper management demands a lot out of them, and I feel that because of their position, they form lesser bonds because they know lesser people on a personal basis? But in exchange, these people get respect, pride and honour. ( Given that I said that, not every single one of them deserve it. Some of them just have crickets/slugs for brains)
Do I still feel some form of slight stigma whenever I see people I know personally whom have gone into CS? Sure I do. I do not deny that the yearn for power is something I cannot eliminate completely. Its natural I guess.
But then I think about all my friends that made my NS experience so so rewarding, so unexpected, so rich, I say to myself that completing the 2 years is of a more paramount importance than the rank obtained within the 2 years.